1. NS has really made me feel small and insignificant, and has made my life a living nightmare. The life of mediocrity. The life where one, in Mr Khoo KY's words, thrives in mediocrity. Everyday, I feel that I have something to prove. Yet everyday, it ends with me telling myself that I am nobody and have no right to prove anything.
2. Somehow, the fear of mediocrity and of failure which intensified in NS is beginning to spill over to my other aspects of life. And suddenly, I'm very afraid that I won't do well in many other things. Like failing to get a place in Heidelberg or LMU or FU Berlin, which would be as good as forfeiting my scholarship.
3. And I sometimes wonder, if through the silent spaces, vast swathes of land and across the great deep blue, you heard me telling you how much you mean to me. That even if to you I am nothing, to me you are all.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
As the Fall ends...
As Fall sheds its last leaves of autumn and starts giving way to the blanketing cold of Winter, I've been reflecting on the past months and decided that while there are some really great times I really treasure, this year has mostly been filled with disappointment, a sense of failure and much good-byes.
But I hope that with Obama winning the Elections with a substantial margin, things will start to change for the better and that it'll be a good change that I can believe in.
Nevertheless, as unprofessional as it may be, I cannot help but to stop and compare my current work life situation with that of my peers from the 28th ERSC. And so far, I've never heard any of them carry out corporal punishments in front of their men, much less get branded a 'bloody fucking idiot' or 'useless fucking section commander' in front of almost 100 over men every morning.
And I think to myself, was I such a bad Specialist Cadet Trainee that I have to be condemned so? Unlike previous batches, everyone from our batch who passed out did so purely based on merit and the fact that we passed all the requisite tests. In fact, I scored better than a lot of those posted to Station or CDA, especially for Final Ex. And I put in so much effort right til the end, staying up late to read the BTMs, our notes, participating in competitions which entailed night trainings and planning and slogging for POC.
And when I came across my trainee files today and flipped through pages filled with notes taken in lessons which most slept through, I felt like the greatest fool in the world looking at how naive I was then to think things would get better as a Sergeant, only to realise I end up barely using any of these knowledge.
I still can't quite figure why I've been condemned to a position where I am no more than a rank-and-file man with merely more responsibilities, but at least I treasured one thing from my ERS trainee days. Because every time I think back about my greatest lesson from my ERS days, I recall MAJ Raihan's words of austere love, recalled how we beat the odds to win the FSC against the BOC, and suddenly find in myself again motivation to carry myself proudly as a Sergeant of the Force no matter what the circumstances may be or what people may say.
I can never forget how MAJ Raihan, W02 Zakaria, WO2 Zalzalani and a couple of other CSTW/STW instructors who taught us how to carry ourselves with dignity at all times, and most importantly, treated us with dignity and love even though we were - to simply put it in NS-speak - the lowest life form back then in CDA considering our rank as mere trainees. This is one thing I will definitely take on with me beyond NS and into my professional career - to carry myself with dignity no matter where and when, and to be proud of who I am and what I am doing as long as I know it's right and is within the legal boundaries of my job.
For that, Thank You Sir and Thank You Enciks.
(On a very random side note, I was amused today when one clerk came up to me and said something along the lines: "Sergeant, is your name Jafnie? Are you Jewish?". My surname may seem to be of Jewish origin, but that deduction totally cracked me up nonetheless.)
But I hope that with Obama winning the Elections with a substantial margin, things will start to change for the better and that it'll be a good change that I can believe in.
Nevertheless, as unprofessional as it may be, I cannot help but to stop and compare my current work life situation with that of my peers from the 28th ERSC. And so far, I've never heard any of them carry out corporal punishments in front of their men, much less get branded a 'bloody fucking idiot' or 'useless fucking section commander' in front of almost 100 over men every morning.
And I think to myself, was I such a bad Specialist Cadet Trainee that I have to be condemned so? Unlike previous batches, everyone from our batch who passed out did so purely based on merit and the fact that we passed all the requisite tests. In fact, I scored better than a lot of those posted to Station or CDA, especially for Final Ex. And I put in so much effort right til the end, staying up late to read the BTMs, our notes, participating in competitions which entailed night trainings and planning and slogging for POC.
And when I came across my trainee files today and flipped through pages filled with notes taken in lessons which most slept through, I felt like the greatest fool in the world looking at how naive I was then to think things would get better as a Sergeant, only to realise I end up barely using any of these knowledge.
I still can't quite figure why I've been condemned to a position where I am no more than a rank-and-file man with merely more responsibilities, but at least I treasured one thing from my ERS trainee days. Because every time I think back about my greatest lesson from my ERS days, I recall MAJ Raihan's words of austere love, recalled how we beat the odds to win the FSC against the BOC, and suddenly find in myself again motivation to carry myself proudly as a Sergeant of the Force no matter what the circumstances may be or what people may say.
I can never forget how MAJ Raihan, W02 Zakaria, WO2 Zalzalani and a couple of other CSTW/STW instructors who taught us how to carry ourselves with dignity at all times, and most importantly, treated us with dignity and love even though we were - to simply put it in NS-speak - the lowest life form back then in CDA considering our rank as mere trainees. This is one thing I will definitely take on with me beyond NS and into my professional career - to carry myself with dignity no matter where and when, and to be proud of who I am and what I am doing as long as I know it's right and is within the legal boundaries of my job.
For that, Thank You Sir and Thank You Enciks.
(On a very random side note, I was amused today when one clerk came up to me and said something along the lines: "Sergeant, is your name Jafnie? Are you Jewish?". My surname may seem to be of Jewish origin, but that deduction totally cracked me up nonetheless.)
Judge of Me
THE OUTSIDER:
So young man, you're NS now? How's Army life going for you?
Uh, I'm currently serving my National Service with the SCDF.
SCDF? Oh... (Face changes to one of suspicious disdain) SCDF is a very good life compared to Army right! No need to go jungle, no need to hold gun, no need to fight enemies...
No, SCDF is as tough if not more than the Army. Unlike the Army, we prepare for real day-to-day danger instead of fighting imaginary enemies. Our training involves working under terrible conditions; high temperatures in stifling warm protective gears, manouvering in pitch-dark areas with our heavy SCBAs and rescue equipments or rescuing an endangered life - these aren't simple tasks inferior to the work of the Army. And for the record, we are sent to the jungles of Brunei as part of Fire & Rescue endurance and leadership training - and I'd say we did it well considering our lacking outfield background!
(Shifts in some sort of adamant disagreement) Aiyah, but SCDF has no prestige. If you look at all the people there, they're all uneducated - especially the NSFs.
I think what the SCDF does is no less noble than the SAF. And it is completely untrue that we're all uneducated people! A lot of us are diploma holders, and quite a number like me are A-Level holders. A sizeable number of us are headed for university after ORD, if they haven't already took up part time degrees or advanced diplomas whilst serving in the Force!
Really meh? But the fact that you're in SCDF means there's something wrong with you somewhere... You know what I mean. After all, how many of these people will get far in life?
Are you saying that I'm some kind of condemned item that MINDEF doesn't want? I think I know very well where I'm headed to in life, and I am sure I have sufficiently proved myself to society in one way or another.
Aiyah, if you were that good, you wouldn't just be a Sergeant with your supposed 'qualifications'. It's bad enough that you're not from SISPEC or OCS - you're not even a comissioned officer in the SCDF! Tsk.
It's not my fault that I was directly enlisted into the SCDF, where the only path for me was to become a Spec through ERS or remain as a man - all of which were decided within 4 days of my enlistment!
That only goes to show that you aren't cut out for big things in life, young man.
THE INSIDER:
What do you know! Who are you to talk to me or tell me what to do? I've fought more fires than you have and have been longer in this force longer than you! You people with qualifications think you're so big just because you got the Sergeant rank in six months? I worked years to get to where I am!
But Encik, I genuinely wanted to give my two cents for the good of the rota. And you didn't give me a chance to fully explain where I was coming from, nor did you accept any explanations - dismissing them as excuses before I could even fully explain myself!
Oh... So now you think you're a Sergeant you have the right to talk reason with me is it? You think you and your education is very big is it? I may not have education, but I don't give a damn to you, lah!
But Encik, I was just trying to politely explain...
(Snaps in) FUCKING HALF RIGHT DOWN AND GIVE ME FIFTY NOW!
(Disclaimer: The aforementioned blabber above is in no way explicitly related to a particular person or persons.)
I know there are jarring grammatical errors here and there, but it's done on purpose to send the message I was intending to convey as colloquially as possible without appearing as though I'm unprofessionally ranting about my current predicament which so few really, really understand.
On another note, I really am hoping things will soon stabilise and change for the better - or in the words of Obama, I hope there's going to be some Change I can Belive In. Because it's getting tiring to be living on the line. (And I hope Obama wins the Elections!)
So young man, you're NS now? How's Army life going for you?
Uh, I'm currently serving my National Service with the SCDF.
SCDF? Oh... (Face changes to one of suspicious disdain) SCDF is a very good life compared to Army right! No need to go jungle, no need to hold gun, no need to fight enemies...
No, SCDF is as tough if not more than the Army. Unlike the Army, we prepare for real day-to-day danger instead of fighting imaginary enemies. Our training involves working under terrible conditions; high temperatures in stifling warm protective gears, manouvering in pitch-dark areas with our heavy SCBAs and rescue equipments or rescuing an endangered life - these aren't simple tasks inferior to the work of the Army. And for the record, we are sent to the jungles of Brunei as part of Fire & Rescue endurance and leadership training - and I'd say we did it well considering our lacking outfield background!
(Shifts in some sort of adamant disagreement) Aiyah, but SCDF has no prestige. If you look at all the people there, they're all uneducated - especially the NSFs.
I think what the SCDF does is no less noble than the SAF. And it is completely untrue that we're all uneducated people! A lot of us are diploma holders, and quite a number like me are A-Level holders. A sizeable number of us are headed for university after ORD, if they haven't already took up part time degrees or advanced diplomas whilst serving in the Force!
Really meh? But the fact that you're in SCDF means there's something wrong with you somewhere... You know what I mean. After all, how many of these people will get far in life?
Are you saying that I'm some kind of condemned item that MINDEF doesn't want? I think I know very well where I'm headed to in life, and I am sure I have sufficiently proved myself to society in one way or another.
Aiyah, if you were that good, you wouldn't just be a Sergeant with your supposed 'qualifications'. It's bad enough that you're not from SISPEC or OCS - you're not even a comissioned officer in the SCDF! Tsk.
It's not my fault that I was directly enlisted into the SCDF, where the only path for me was to become a Spec through ERS or remain as a man - all of which were decided within 4 days of my enlistment!
That only goes to show that you aren't cut out for big things in life, young man.
THE INSIDER:
What do you know! Who are you to talk to me or tell me what to do? I've fought more fires than you have and have been longer in this force longer than you! You people with qualifications think you're so big just because you got the Sergeant rank in six months? I worked years to get to where I am!
But Encik, I genuinely wanted to give my two cents for the good of the rota. And you didn't give me a chance to fully explain where I was coming from, nor did you accept any explanations - dismissing them as excuses before I could even fully explain myself!
Oh... So now you think you're a Sergeant you have the right to talk reason with me is it? You think you and your education is very big is it? I may not have education, but I don't give a damn to you, lah!
But Encik, I was just trying to politely explain...
(Snaps in) FUCKING HALF RIGHT DOWN AND GIVE ME FIFTY NOW!
(Disclaimer: The aforementioned blabber above is in no way explicitly related to a particular person or persons.)
I know there are jarring grammatical errors here and there, but it's done on purpose to send the message I was intending to convey as colloquially as possible without appearing as though I'm unprofessionally ranting about my current predicament which so few really, really understand.
On another note, I really am hoping things will soon stabilise and change for the better - or in the words of Obama, I hope there's going to be some Change I can Belive In. Because it's getting tiring to be living on the line. (And I hope Obama wins the Elections!)
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