After spending 4 days and 3 nights in Phuket and landing safely back in modern manicured Singapore, it's kind of depressing that I have to report to work immediately the morning after. And it didn't help that I woke up far to early from my slumber in comfortable beds thanks to my alarm clock which was in Singapore time, the flight which got delayed and the pretty hard stuffy cabin seats aboard my first budget airline stint.
And right now I keep on hearing the peaceful crashing of waves that I did at Patong Beach, and feel the exhilarating rush of wind on top of getting a spectacular bird's eye view of Western Phuket as I para-sailed across the bay.
For the first time this year, I felt free. And calm, and unstifled, and satisfied with life.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Disjointed
Everything has been a mess since NS started (and no, not the emo sort of mess), and I've been finding it increasingly hard to put my life into order with NS life constantly injecting last minute changes and unpleasant surprises.
So I am gonna just put it in numbered forms, these things that's been going through my mind lately since some people's been complaining that I've been so dao and am forever buried under the pile of work that is NS.
1. On Friends and Family. Thanks to my erratic schedule nowadays, I hardly get to talk or meet up with friends and family. And it's irritating how nowadays when I open my phone inbox to a chokeful of SMSes, I barely find enough energy to even type a reply. But it doesn't erase the fact that I increasingly feel that I've been a bad player in this game of friendship, because some times, perhaps I'm not trying hard enough to keep in contact with all the friends whom I treasure so much. Especially those who've made my past few years in secondary school and JC one of the best times I ever had. I can't put down in words how happy I was when the A01 homies came over to my place on my birthday, because it felt like school all over again, where we all stood on the same plane and shared the same hopes, laughter and dreams. And times like this make me wish I was back in NJ all over again, wish that I didn't take the great company I had across all my tutorial classes, thought my Council term, as well as throughout my whole wonderful NJC-LEP (which I assert, is the ONLY real and most awesome German LEP in Singapore) journey. And I really wish I could tell these people how much they mean to me, even when camps fences us apart - or in some cases, even when oceans and continents wedge between us. Because nowadays, getting a real good, genuine laugh or a good thrill has become quite difficult being in a place where I feel I don't quite fit in. (Though I must thank some of my close NS buddies, whom I'll miss when they/I/we ORD, for making the past months in the Force so much, much more bearable!)
When I went back for the AEP Graduation Show with my A01 juniors, the familiarity of the place really overwhelmed me (the A01 bench, the LEP room at GR35, the TA classrooms). But it also filled me with much sadness when I saw change enroaching upon these spaces and personal etches of fond memories: the 'orange' tables are slowly replacing the 'blue' tables which was so integral to our bonding as a class seeing how the latter could actually fit the whole A01 in one row of tables as opposed to the former which made possible our mandatory 'sitting together as a class during breaks' rule; the life and vigour of the German room is now removed from GR35 (I don't think anyone uses the computer to look for silly videos on the internet anymore, or zoom around the room on wheeled chairs screaming 'I'M FLYINGGG'), with the German Flag that used to flutter happily outside missing and the little whiteboard on which we would draw and sometimes write silly messages to each other now left empty - all thanks to heavy-handed authorities who claimed that we just don't see what they see. But have they ever thought if they actually see what we see? Or were we, in their eyes, just a bunch of whiny kids who spent too much time together?
2. On Work and NS. Jaded. That pretty much sumarises how I feel right now, especially when I'm put in a position I don't quite want to be in. On some days, I really badly wished I was in Station, or was an Instructor. Because the former gives me a sense of reward for all the unhappiness I endured for six months and for all the effort I took to earnestly learn things I never had initial interests in, while the latter has always been pretty much something I always liked - teaching, and not to mention the great kind of international PR work you can actually get involved in if you're in CSTW. On some days, I think I must've been silly to think that working hard, trying to score well in all my tests and helping people along the way would actually secure me a place in Station because hey, isn't Singapore a meritocracy after all? And I must've been silly to think that things would be better the next day, because it hasn't really changed. Because I'm tired of being treated like some expandable resource, and being trapped in a position unlike in previous years where I cannot move up to improve my working situation. Where in the eyes of others you are nothing more than just another Sergeant, where people think you're insane to actually want to do more than what you are tasked to because for everyone, NS is merely about serving and fucking off. But I don't want to just spend my two years idling and fucking off! In the words of T.S. Eliot's Thomas Becket, to be living yet partly living is possibly the worst thing that can ever happen to a human soul.
3. On Race and Ethnicity. I still don't understand why uncles or aunties in cabs or stalls have to incessantly ask me 'Are you Chinese or Malay?'. Is race and colour still so material and important in today's Singapore? Would how you treat me, or engage me in business, be any different if I were Chinese/Malay/Indian? In fact, I was quite disturb when I, while reprimanding on of my men for his bad behaviour, remarked that I had no right to because of my race/colour and that the upper management would support him anyway because he is of the same race/colour. For once in my life, I actually felt fearful - I actually felt marginalised, in spite of my position and how I've been trying to prove that I am not like any stereotypes.
What interests me more is - why is it that I, being a mix-blood, cannot enjoy the fact that I am a product of cultural diversity and integration? The odd thing about Singapore is that, while it prides itself in so-called racial diversity and harmony, the government and people still choose to divde and segregate themselves along racial, ethno-cultural lines. Why can't Singapore's multi-culturalism stop boldly emphasising our differences in our National Education (which indirectly enforces stereotypes), and start celebrating our similarities or even our integration? While we take pride of our heritage, shouldn't we take pride that some of us take it a step further with cultural integration and infusion with inter-marriages and choosing to live by both paternal and maternal cultures instead of having to choose one? I recall this conversation with this female taxi driver who was quite visibly horrified to find out I'm a by-product of inter-racial marriage, and was even more shocked when she found out my elder brother actually married an Indian, even remarking how fair-skinned people (like her) would never - according to her- in their sane mind choose anyone dark-skinned -- all in spite of me telling her that to me and my family, race and ethnicity is immaterial because it's the heart and not the colour that makes a man.
And it made me question, how racially and religiously harmonious are we? How much longer will it take before we go beyond mere racial tolerance, and into acceptance and celebrate our diversity such that inter-marriages are seen as part of the uniquely Singapore identity, instead of being undesirable nuptial arrangements which produce mongreals (like me) who have to choose which of the C/M/I/O racial category they belong to, lest they be viewed upon suspiciously for having lacking racial or ethnic allegiance. Aren't we all, at the end of the day, supposed to be Singaporeans first above all else?
And finally, On Life. Well, all that I can say is that I've stopped living since 8 January 2008 - the day I enlisted.
On a lighter note, I need to start selling/giving away my books. As you can see from that picture of my main bookshelf (after much clearing out!), I've pretty much an excess of books (and I forsee more to come with my Arabic and French classes), and I need to start clearing them seeing how I've filled up almost every single available orifice in my pretty self-designed and painted Orange-and-White room where it is possible to stash my treasure troves of books.
And I need to start finding myself and living again, before I find myself desperately picking up after pieces of my former self in an attempt to resume living my life come 7 November 2009.
So I am gonna just put it in numbered forms, these things that's been going through my mind lately since some people's been complaining that I've been so dao and am forever buried under the pile of work that is NS.
1. On Friends and Family. Thanks to my erratic schedule nowadays, I hardly get to talk or meet up with friends and family. And it's irritating how nowadays when I open my phone inbox to a chokeful of SMSes, I barely find enough energy to even type a reply. But it doesn't erase the fact that I increasingly feel that I've been a bad player in this game of friendship, because some times, perhaps I'm not trying hard enough to keep in contact with all the friends whom I treasure so much. Especially those who've made my past few years in secondary school and JC one of the best times I ever had. I can't put down in words how happy I was when the A01 homies came over to my place on my birthday, because it felt like school all over again, where we all stood on the same plane and shared the same hopes, laughter and dreams. And times like this make me wish I was back in NJ all over again, wish that I didn't take the great company I had across all my tutorial classes, thought my Council term, as well as throughout my whole wonderful NJC-LEP (which I assert, is the ONLY real and most awesome German LEP in Singapore) journey. And I really wish I could tell these people how much they mean to me, even when camps fences us apart - or in some cases, even when oceans and continents wedge between us. Because nowadays, getting a real good, genuine laugh or a good thrill has become quite difficult being in a place where I feel I don't quite fit in. (Though I must thank some of my close NS buddies, whom I'll miss when they/I/we ORD, for making the past months in the Force so much, much more bearable!)
When I went back for the AEP Graduation Show with my A01 juniors, the familiarity of the place really overwhelmed me (the A01 bench, the LEP room at GR35, the TA classrooms). But it also filled me with much sadness when I saw change enroaching upon these spaces and personal etches of fond memories: the 'orange' tables are slowly replacing the 'blue' tables which was so integral to our bonding as a class seeing how the latter could actually fit the whole A01 in one row of tables as opposed to the former which made possible our mandatory 'sitting together as a class during breaks' rule; the life and vigour of the German room is now removed from GR35 (I don't think anyone uses the computer to look for silly videos on the internet anymore, or zoom around the room on wheeled chairs screaming 'I'M FLYINGGG'), with the German Flag that used to flutter happily outside missing and the little whiteboard on which we would draw and sometimes write silly messages to each other now left empty - all thanks to heavy-handed authorities who claimed that we just don't see what they see. But have they ever thought if they actually see what we see? Or were we, in their eyes, just a bunch of whiny kids who spent too much time together?
2. On Work and NS. Jaded. That pretty much sumarises how I feel right now, especially when I'm put in a position I don't quite want to be in. On some days, I really badly wished I was in Station, or was an Instructor. Because the former gives me a sense of reward for all the unhappiness I endured for six months and for all the effort I took to earnestly learn things I never had initial interests in, while the latter has always been pretty much something I always liked - teaching, and not to mention the great kind of international PR work you can actually get involved in if you're in CSTW. On some days, I think I must've been silly to think that working hard, trying to score well in all my tests and helping people along the way would actually secure me a place in Station because hey, isn't Singapore a meritocracy after all? And I must've been silly to think that things would be better the next day, because it hasn't really changed. Because I'm tired of being treated like some expandable resource, and being trapped in a position unlike in previous years where I cannot move up to improve my working situation. Where in the eyes of others you are nothing more than just another Sergeant, where people think you're insane to actually want to do more than what you are tasked to because for everyone, NS is merely about serving and fucking off. But I don't want to just spend my two years idling and fucking off! In the words of T.S. Eliot's Thomas Becket, to be living yet partly living is possibly the worst thing that can ever happen to a human soul.
3. On Race and Ethnicity. I still don't understand why uncles or aunties in cabs or stalls have to incessantly ask me 'Are you Chinese or Malay?'. Is race and colour still so material and important in today's Singapore? Would how you treat me, or engage me in business, be any different if I were Chinese/Malay/Indian? In fact, I was quite disturb when I, while reprimanding on of my men for his bad behaviour, remarked that I had no right to because of my race/colour and that the upper management would support him anyway because he is of the same race/colour. For once in my life, I actually felt fearful - I actually felt marginalised, in spite of my position and how I've been trying to prove that I am not like any stereotypes.
What interests me more is - why is it that I, being a mix-blood, cannot enjoy the fact that I am a product of cultural diversity and integration? The odd thing about Singapore is that, while it prides itself in so-called racial diversity and harmony, the government and people still choose to divde and segregate themselves along racial, ethno-cultural lines. Why can't Singapore's multi-culturalism stop boldly emphasising our differences in our National Education (which indirectly enforces stereotypes), and start celebrating our similarities or even our integration? While we take pride of our heritage, shouldn't we take pride that some of us take it a step further with cultural integration and infusion with inter-marriages and choosing to live by both paternal and maternal cultures instead of having to choose one? I recall this conversation with this female taxi driver who was quite visibly horrified to find out I'm a by-product of inter-racial marriage, and was even more shocked when she found out my elder brother actually married an Indian, even remarking how fair-skinned people (like her) would never - according to her- in their sane mind choose anyone dark-skinned -- all in spite of me telling her that to me and my family, race and ethnicity is immaterial because it's the heart and not the colour that makes a man.
And it made me question, how racially and religiously harmonious are we? How much longer will it take before we go beyond mere racial tolerance, and into acceptance and celebrate our diversity such that inter-marriages are seen as part of the uniquely Singapore identity, instead of being undesirable nuptial arrangements which produce mongreals (like me) who have to choose which of the C/M/I/O racial category they belong to, lest they be viewed upon suspiciously for having lacking racial or ethnic allegiance. Aren't we all, at the end of the day, supposed to be Singaporeans first above all else?
And finally, On Life. Well, all that I can say is that I've stopped living since 8 January 2008 - the day I enlisted.
On a lighter note, I need to start selling/giving away my books. As you can see from that picture of my main bookshelf (after much clearing out!), I've pretty much an excess of books (and I forsee more to come with my Arabic and French classes), and I need to start clearing them seeing how I've filled up almost every single available orifice in my pretty self-designed and painted Orange-and-White room where it is possible to stash my treasure troves of books.
And I need to start finding myself and living again, before I find myself desperately picking up after pieces of my former self in an attempt to resume living my life come 7 November 2009.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
ASDF
ASDFGHJKL!!
My life is in such a mess right now. No, not so much so in the emo sense of the word, but in terms of schedules and organisation. I hate it when I can't pre-schedule things or organise my time as I would like. NS just screws everything up right now.
I've a list of 1001 things to do before 2010, but given the scare amount of time I have outside camp (which is further divided among family, friends and self), it's been very difficult to get things done. Which probably explains why my room looks like a warzone right now, even though I only planned for a minor makeover. At least the commie poster I got from Saigon's framed! Though I scratched the glass by accident whilst trying to frame it up. Bummer.
In any case, I'm working on Hari Raya tomorrow, but I guess that'll give me time to think through things. Like how instead of doing an Advanced Diploma in Psychology, I've decided to chiong and do both Arabic (this time by going for proper lessons held in English) and French (probably with Alliance Française du Singapour since they have most cred) before I leave for my overseas study. The former's pretty much a natural choice seeing how I can read, write and already know some basic grammar rules with mostly vocabulary building and revision left to do (after all, I did spend SIX years plus learning it although I barely understood what my teacher was saying when she explained the grammar parts in Malay). As for French, it was a tough choice between French and Spanish, but in spirit of all things Singaporean, I decided that French was the most pragmatic choice given where and what I'll be studying in future. In any case, French is still a Romance (the linguistic group, not the lovey dovey schiz) language, so learning Spanish or Italian thereafter should be a little easier. And Monsieur Sallé better help me out, or I'll disown him as a friend once our NS days are through.
Okay it's getting late so ma'assalamah and au revoir for now! Oh, and of course, EID MUBABRAK to all Muslims! [:
My life is in such a mess right now. No, not so much so in the emo sense of the word, but in terms of schedules and organisation. I hate it when I can't pre-schedule things or organise my time as I would like. NS just screws everything up right now.
I've a list of 1001 things to do before 2010, but given the scare amount of time I have outside camp (which is further divided among family, friends and self), it's been very difficult to get things done. Which probably explains why my room looks like a warzone right now, even though I only planned for a minor makeover. At least the commie poster I got from Saigon's framed! Though I scratched the glass by accident whilst trying to frame it up. Bummer.
In any case, I'm working on Hari Raya tomorrow, but I guess that'll give me time to think through things. Like how instead of doing an Advanced Diploma in Psychology, I've decided to chiong and do both Arabic (this time by going for proper lessons held in English) and French (probably with Alliance Française du Singapour since they have most cred) before I leave for my overseas study. The former's pretty much a natural choice seeing how I can read, write and already know some basic grammar rules with mostly vocabulary building and revision left to do (after all, I did spend SIX years plus learning it although I barely understood what my teacher was saying when she explained the grammar parts in Malay). As for French, it was a tough choice between French and Spanish, but in spirit of all things Singaporean, I decided that French was the most pragmatic choice given where and what I'll be studying in future. In any case, French is still a Romance (the linguistic group, not the lovey dovey schiz) language, so learning Spanish or Italian thereafter should be a little easier. And Monsieur Sallé better help me out, or I'll disown him as a friend once our NS days are through.
Okay it's getting late so ma'assalamah and au revoir for now! Oh, and of course, EID MUBABRAK to all Muslims! [:
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