Kein Weg Zurück

Things have spiralled out of my control the past 48 hours, and I don't know how this will affect things to come.

Apart from potentially accepting $300 less per month from the gah-men, I'm hoping the med-board review will not affect my scholarship from a certain ministry, because otherwise doing Comparative Language & Literature will no longer be a viable option in a society where price inflation is the only constant and where "usefulness to society" is defined by certain socially-accepted standards, of which doing Language or Literature isn't part of. But then that'll maybe force the pragmatist out of me and do something useful, like Law.

Or get prepared to start my own cleaning agency, which will hopefully be as renowned as Altvater-Jakob, rising up in the corporate world in a Bill Gates fashion. I'm sure my friends who are lawyers-to-be can help me with the legal issues while the doctors can be my consultants. OR THEN YOU WON'T BE MY FRIENDS. Heh.

Oh, the pains of coming from a middle-class family and living out the university dreams of parents who couldn't go to uni in their time due to circumstance even though scholarships were at their fingertips. And I don't want to let history repeat itself; not in this case, at least!

Fork?

For once again in a very long time since the end of the scholarship application shindig, I once again meet the proverbial fork in the road. Perhaps it's not by coincidence that the word fork orthographically sounds similar to another word that we would normally say when in frustration, especially in the great service of our glorious nation. Anyway, let's just say that I may potentially get a pay cut and have to settle for a meagre spec pay that the army people get, potentially spelling disaster for my Kathamandu (with NJ homies), Jerusalem (with the parents) and Eastern Europe (with NS homies) plans after ORD! Unless I manage to eke out some extra moolahs giving tuition or something, but sadly 1. I've no contacts, 2. no knowledge of 'useful and marketable' subjects and 3. I do not wish to destroy a child's future.

Bah.

Things would've been easier if 1. MSK is caught in the coming week or 2. I get the admin spec position at base. But since the two seem highly unlikely in the near future, particularly in the case of the former, I guess I'll just have to suck it up and pray for the best.

And oh boy, do I get a taste of civil service politicking first hand in my current vocational posting. As one member of public commented, "boy, I think what you're doing is really what's called national service".

But another comment which made my eyes glimmer more was, "I think you guys deserve the $1 Million reward more than anyone else". Heh. If only customers are/were always right in that instance!

Time Bomb

The past 2-3 weeks have been exhausting, to say the least, seeing how work not only revolves around juggling the responsibilities of a section commander, but also controlling men who are averse to both work and listening to instruction.

At the same time, there are so many other things to worry about, such as TestDAF in light of my abysmal standard of German, as well as my German university application. I've yet to decide as to whether I would want to apply for Heidelberg or LMU seeing how both have their own unique attractions; the former has immense prestige and good established exchange partnerships (e.g. with Cambridge!) on top of allowing a very flexible combination of subjects (albeit having to decide for myself to see what's best for me although I can pursue anthropology/ethnology or politics), while the latter is a BA-MA concurrent degree programme (which makes things easier 'cos MOE expects me to get at least a Masters) and has a curriculum that I would really like to study (although there are restrictions on double majors and minors). Essentially, I guess it will boil down to how I would want to spend my years in Germany - do I want to spend in a university town alike Heidelberg, or a metropolitan city alike Munich.

Unless I should decide to ditch the whole language arty farty shindig and do the revered Bachelors of Law which almost everyone from NJ I know is doing (if not Medicine), seeing how Adrianni has pang-sehed me in doing MML (du scheisskind!). Quite a tempting prospect, even if I don't do it as a full degree (e.g. LSE's Anthropology & Law). But then moolah would be an issue again, and I was actually looking forward to the prospect of working like the tai-tais in M.O.E.L.C. Heh.

And that is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to settling the "1001 things that I have to do but facking NS is not allowing me to", seeing how I'm trying to manage a 1-min film production for this Goethe-Institut competition before Wangmo leaves for China and the UK. Anyway, it's time for me to get ready to book-in for work at the Checkpoint and hope that I'll survive this without getting beaten up (to death). As Soe told me, I should try to fold those gorillas into paper-hearts. Heh!

Drei Wörter

In every struggle, one party has to eventually concede.

I've given up.

(For sweet dreams weren't made of these.)

Detours

I can't talk too much about how life in SRB's like in the name of professionalism and confidentiality, but it has been tiring and for once, I actually feel that I might not be able to last this time around. For once, I think I need a pillar to lean on because sometimes it becomes a real test to stay lucid and not lose oneself to the drudgery of routine. If there's one thing being in SRB and going on Ops White-light has taught me, it's the value and importance of patience and tenacity.

And also the usefulness of being able to smile for 12 hours and make small talk with co-operative nice strangers who make things easier on both sides. In any case, I believe all these will make me a better person; after all, I'll need to know how to socialise when I head off for foreign lands after ORD.

Anyway, yesterday was Char's party and I was extremely grateful that I had off and was able to personally wish her a happy birthday, even though I barely had sleep the night before. And it struck me that that'll probably be the last time I see some of the homies, such as Zee, before they leave for studies overseas. And that I have to start meeting up with these homies before I'll never see them again for some time. And today I went out with Mr Combat-E to town to get some stuff, among them three CDs, and finally got Sheryl Crow's Detours. And it's pretty interesting to say the least, especially songs like Peace be Upon Us.

And that's 'cos good songs make you think about things.

If we speak in tongues of love
But we kill in the name of God
How can we profess to own his name
And still be so lost and still be so lost

Go figure. Anyway to my friends out there, I won't be having any more weekends till end of September; so until then, I'm extremely sorry if I have to pangseh you because serving the nation takes precedence until 7 November 2008. I'm up for taking during my weekday off days, though!

Bedeutung der Liebe und Hoffnung

Heute ist der Anfang des Endes meines uneingeschränkten Lebens. Alles im Namen des Patriotismus und der Liebe des Vaterlands.

Anyway, I can't remember who said this, but someone once told me that although fear may hold us prisoner, hope will set us free. I don't know why, but I somehow strongly disagree with the latter half of the saying because to me, hope is the greatest prison of all; because it imprisons you within yourself, and the hurt you get as you tread failure upon failure each day is the most painful chastiser. Hope plays upon your fears, and turns the very inner temples of your souls into the deepest abyss of pain.

And so I came to conclude that while one may be living when he pines on hope, he or she is only partly living. Because to live fully means acting upon actions, because only action will move the wheel of life. And perhaps fear isn't so bad after all, because it impels us to take action, and dares us to try and conquer the great unknown - and gives the strong a source of belief, as opposed to hope, that one will eventually by the grace of the Almighty emerge victorious and soar on the wings of eagles.

Ich kann mich einfach nicht mehr glauben, denn ich kann in den erlösenden Macht der Liebe nicht mehr glauben. Denn Hoffnung ist am Ende des Tages aber nur ein Scherz der Menschlichkeit.

Miss(ing) Saigon

In a couple of hours, I'll be leaving the cacophony that characterises Saigon's streets. Somehow, within all the cacophony, I managed to find some order and contentment at the end of each day (and no, I'm not talking about the shopping even though I managed to lay my hands on some contemporary commie memorabilia).

At least I know that this sabbatical's been good seeing how I've grown to like the place with its odd mix of architecture and people. Sadly, I don't have much photos because 1. my 4-year old Cannon G6 screwed up on me and 2. I hate being photographed when travelling like this because I don't want to screw up the picture with my horrendous appearance.

Ah well, I hope the cold sun will get warmer and brighter when I get back to Singapore.

Exitlude d'CDA

Okay, so now I've graduated from Jalan Bahar Boarding School and am a Sergeant in the Force. While I was admittedly excited about passing out initially, getting posted to the hell-hole which my RC during my attachment warned me of isn't just a dampener - it washes away whatever remaining belief I had in the system. I don't know why I even put in so much effort studying for stupid tests which I had zero interests in to begin with, torturing myself with extra work by taking part in FSC, Exercise Firewar and sacrificing my already little waking hours by being part of the Media & Editorial Team when incompetent and lazy people who know bullocks and do nuts get further than you just because they're better boot-lickers and actors in front of the big shots. All my life, I've been taught to believe in the saving and redeeming virtues of meritocracy and hard work because it is supposed to work, but it seems there are double standards when it comes to serving the nation in a uniformed organisation. It's a pity when others don't appreciate you or the effort you put in, but at least I can be at peace with myself and tell myself that I've given as much as I could and did not try to find the easy way out of things. Anyway, the bottom line is yes, SCT Jafnie is now SGT Jafnie. He is still very much proud to be Singaporean, and he will continue serving his remaining time in the Force according to the principles of Pride and Care. He is still part of the system and he will continue to try and carry on the struggle until this part of the system ends and closes its chapter. End of story.

No happily ever after there for you.

In any case, I am currently in Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City or Saigon, to be specific - and seeing things from vantage point has stirred me up quite a bit. At times, it makes me think and wonder whether it's really worth forsaking peace, happiness and self-discovery to move up that social ladder and earn those big bucks. I will definitely complete my university education and fulfil my duties towards my country and nation in the following years, but currently, dropping the fast-paced Singapore life and joining the humanitarian cause (particularly in education) seems inviting. I mean, how can you go back to your comfortable Singapore life, sheltered, and pretend that all is fine when you saw the human face of poverty for yourself? When you stare into the hopeful eyes of the old woman by the street trying to eke out a living, or when you converse with a young man or woman so eager to learn from you, or when you simply hear about their struggles to get to where they are today - you know there's something to be done in places like these which are not very far off from the sunny island we all call home.


But we shall see how the wheel turns as the tapestry weaves and unfold in this system whose creators firstly think that my loyalty to the nation is questionable based on several pre-conceived notions, and then go on to doubt my capabilities and downplay my capacity to contribute to the overall well-being of the system.

And I hope I can look back at this post sometime in the future and tell myself in retrospect that all this is but the angst of youth. After all, how can one continue living in a place where the very institution he is taught to believe in by the system is betrayed from its very core?


(Two more days in good old Saigon, and hopefully I'll get something good out of this much needed sabbatical after being entrapped in Jalan Bahar Boarding School for six months.)