It really hits you hard in the face that no matter how hard or how well you do in this system, you'll always be second class and second rate. All thanks to some asswipe up there who thinks you're not loyal enough no matter how much you try to show you're willing to sacrifice.
Now I know why even the most docile of people can become such a angry and hating if the system constantly treats you like a plebian no matter how much you've proved that you're not just another sand in the beach.
Fight the system, and you'll realise you're stoking up new enemies in that rising dust you leave behind in your zealous chase for change against the status quo.
God,
save us!
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
The Serf Lives On
I actually wrote a whole lot of stuff since there's been quite a few things I've been wanting to say and get off my chest. But then some switch in me just got flipped and I deleted it all away. It's mostly senseless ramblings anyway.
I guess it really doesn't help that I constantly feel like an underachiever in NS who's developing an inferiority complex. Because trust me, it sucks when you constantly hear a voice in your head telling you, "WAKE UP BOY AND WORK HARDER, COS THERE ARE SO MANY OUT THERE WHO CAN ACHIEVE WHAT YOU DO OR EVEN OUTSHINE YOU WITH FAR LESS EFFORT".
Perhaps only now I'm starting to truly appreciate the valuable masochistic meaning of my alma mater's motto: say Nil Sine Labore with me, homie. Perhaps this was the reason why I could connect with the poem about the Serf that I did 2 years ago and got my first ever 'A' from Mr Whitby, heh.
In the meantime, it would have been nice if I had a little bit of talent, damn it!
I guess it really doesn't help that I constantly feel like an underachiever in NS who's developing an inferiority complex. Because trust me, it sucks when you constantly hear a voice in your head telling you, "WAKE UP BOY AND WORK HARDER, COS THERE ARE SO MANY OUT THERE WHO CAN ACHIEVE WHAT YOU DO OR EVEN OUTSHINE YOU WITH FAR LESS EFFORT".
Perhaps only now I'm starting to truly appreciate the valuable masochistic meaning of my alma mater's motto: say Nil Sine Labore with me, homie. Perhaps this was the reason why I could connect with the poem about the Serf that I did 2 years ago and got my first ever 'A' from Mr Whitby, heh.
In the meantime, it would have been nice if I had a little bit of talent, damn it!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Allnächtliche Alptraum
The same old thoughts, worries and fears are coming back again, bottling up day by day. It's just too bad not everyone has someone to confide their deepest and darkest with. And it's getting sick how no matter much effort you put into something, you're still not good enough because of some things which were never within your control in the first place.
And the self-psychosis of "this is part of learning what humility's and being subordinate's all about" is quickly running thin because honestly, this whole shindig is no more than self-debilitation in disguise. Because fuck, I really hate letting the wheels of fate and time roll all over me time and again because I'm simply not like TS Eliot's Women of Canterbury. And if not for the love of the word 'Respect' to its each and every letter, I'd hate paying plastic compliments to and working with people who are clearly incompetent and get by in their daily responsibilities simply by leveraging on their rank and status.
Trotzdem muss ich zur Zeit akzeptieren, dass ich immer auf dem zweiten Platz stehe. Und vielleicht gehöre ich genau und richtig dort. Oder so denkt die Gesellschaft.
Patience they say, for a modern day martyr waits and fights with his inner self til his death.
And the self-psychosis of "this is part of learning what humility's and being subordinate's all about" is quickly running thin because honestly, this whole shindig is no more than self-debilitation in disguise. Because fuck, I really hate letting the wheels of fate and time roll all over me time and again because I'm simply not like TS Eliot's Women of Canterbury. And if not for the love of the word 'Respect' to its each and every letter, I'd hate paying plastic compliments to and working with people who are clearly incompetent and get by in their daily responsibilities simply by leveraging on their rank and status.
Trotzdem muss ich zur Zeit akzeptieren, dass ich immer auf dem zweiten Platz stehe. Und vielleicht gehöre ich genau und richtig dort. Oder so denkt die Gesellschaft.
Patience they say, for a modern day martyr waits and fights with his inner self til his death.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Run, Baby, Run
I used to laugh it off when someone once joked to me, "I indulge in work because it numbs me (of my pain)".
And now, when I find myself reluctant to remove myself away from work, I wonder whether I'm actually trying to run away from something.
And now, when I find myself reluctant to remove myself away from work, I wonder whether I'm actually trying to run away from something.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
2009
And so comes the first post of the New Year, except that it doesn't come with the usual resolutions and stuff because - to be honest - I haven't sat down and thought about it. After all, it's less than prudent to make hasty resolutions which you probably aren't gonna fulfil anyway.
In any case, I personally wasn't exactly excited about the whole new year shindig this time around. I mean, what's there to celebrate - really? While everyone was screaming 'Happy New Year', I probably was the only one who went 'RECESSION YEAAAAARRR'! And really, how can you celebrate when a civilian bloodbath which is cumulating into a tsunami of humanitarian crises is still going on in Gaza with no end in sight? I'm neither pro-Hamas/anti-Israel nor pro-Israel/anti-PLO, but I do hope my generation in the Middle East will see the rut we're digging further into. I don't know why, but when the Israeli and Palestinians start pointing fingers at each other screaming bloody murder over the mass media, I can't help but to recall Shakespeare's Shylock's words even if I don't agree with the whole notion of revenge in the following verses:
Now trying putting that into context of the Arab-Israeli (or as some say, Muslim-Jewish) conflict.
And so to you bigoted fundamentalists and conservative hardliners who are impeding the peace process by constantly spreading hate and fear, I've some words from dear Antonio of The Merchant of Venice for you:
Coincidentally, I've been reading some books that my mum brought back from London that reveal both sides of the story in the whole Israeli-Palestinian conflict and much thinking has been done even though I'm yet to be done with the book on American-Israeli Foreign Policy and how the American-Israel lobby in the US is doing more harm than good to both the US and Israel in the long term.
And I thought to myself, it's quite amazing how both parties have some sort of selected amnesia to the kind of suffering that they used to go through and are now doing the same kind of mistreatment upon others, and somehow forget how in the past symbiotic relationships between the Arabs and Jews were actually possible?
On the Israeli side, have the Jews become too blind to see the parallels and similarities between their treatment of the Palestinians particularly in the Occupied Territories and systematic progroms such as Plan Dalet to expel Palestinians, to that of anti-semitic imperalists during historial periods such as the Spanish Inquisition with their Alhambra Decree which saw many Andalusian Jews evicted along with their Muslim brethren from their homes of many generation? After all, didn't the Shepardic Jewish culture flourish in the Iberian peninsula under the Andalusian Caliphate which saw many notable Shepardic Jews rising to positions of great influence including that of Grand Vizier?
On the Arab side, have the Arabs and larger Muslim world forgotten how the Holy Prophet himself adovacted recognising each other's rights and living together in harmony by finding shared heritage as People of the Book instead of constantly dwelling on our differences? Don't the Arabs remember the great service which many notable Jewish personalities have rendered in the administration and beaureucracies of various successful Muslim empires such as that of the Umayyad and Ottoman? I'm admittedly no expert in this field, but when I do a little instrospection after watching films such as Paradise Now, I can't help but to agree that most of the hatered and violence today stem from our ego-centrical tendencies of focusing and dwelling on our own personal pain coupled with an inability to comprehend and empathise with the pain and losses of others.
Thinking about it, I think I want 2009 to be year of personal discovery. After all, I did intend to continue trekking off the beaten path in my travels this year since my short foray into Sumatra, with some buddies already giving the aye to places such as Israel/Palestine, Nepal and even North Korea! Okay, Pyongyang might a little hassle because of the proxy visa application via Beijing and all, but nothing should be too difficult to achieve with determination and a bit of moolahs at disposal (which is currently lacking, heh!)
And maybe 2009 should too be a personal year of courage and love for humanity, where we all should be making a strong stand against hatred and fear.
And that includes atychiphobia, my own personal fear of failure and of being utterly useless.
In any case, I personally wasn't exactly excited about the whole new year shindig this time around. I mean, what's there to celebrate - really? While everyone was screaming 'Happy New Year', I probably was the only one who went 'RECESSION YEAAAAARRR'! And really, how can you celebrate when a civilian bloodbath which is cumulating into a tsunami of humanitarian crises is still going on in Gaza with no end in sight? I'm neither pro-Hamas/anti-Israel nor pro-Israel/anti-PLO, but I do hope my generation in the Middle East will see the rut we're digging further into. I don't know why, but when the Israeli and Palestinians start pointing fingers at each other screaming bloody murder over the mass media, I can't help but to recall Shakespeare's Shylock's words even if I don't agree with the whole notion of revenge in the following verses:
I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we shall resemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian, what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by Christian example? Why, revenge. The villainy you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.
Now trying putting that into context of the Arab-Israeli (or as some say, Muslim-Jewish) conflict.
And so to you bigoted fundamentalists and conservative hardliners who are impeding the peace process by constantly spreading hate and fear, I've some words from dear Antonio of The Merchant of Venice for you:
The devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness,
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek;
A goodly apple rotten at the heart:
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!
Coincidentally, I've been reading some books that my mum brought back from London that reveal both sides of the story in the whole Israeli-Palestinian conflict and much thinking has been done even though I'm yet to be done with the book on American-Israeli Foreign Policy and how the American-Israel lobby in the US is doing more harm than good to both the US and Israel in the long term.
And I thought to myself, it's quite amazing how both parties have some sort of selected amnesia to the kind of suffering that they used to go through and are now doing the same kind of mistreatment upon others, and somehow forget how in the past symbiotic relationships between the Arabs and Jews were actually possible?
On the Israeli side, have the Jews become too blind to see the parallels and similarities between their treatment of the Palestinians particularly in the Occupied Territories and systematic progroms such as Plan Dalet to expel Palestinians, to that of anti-semitic imperalists during historial periods such as the Spanish Inquisition with their Alhambra Decree which saw many Andalusian Jews evicted along with their Muslim brethren from their homes of many generation? After all, didn't the Shepardic Jewish culture flourish in the Iberian peninsula under the Andalusian Caliphate which saw many notable Shepardic Jews rising to positions of great influence including that of Grand Vizier?
On the Arab side, have the Arabs and larger Muslim world forgotten how the Holy Prophet himself adovacted recognising each other's rights and living together in harmony by finding shared heritage as People of the Book instead of constantly dwelling on our differences? Don't the Arabs remember the great service which many notable Jewish personalities have rendered in the administration and beaureucracies of various successful Muslim empires such as that of the Umayyad and Ottoman? I'm admittedly no expert in this field, but when I do a little instrospection after watching films such as Paradise Now, I can't help but to agree that most of the hatered and violence today stem from our ego-centrical tendencies of focusing and dwelling on our own personal pain coupled with an inability to comprehend and empathise with the pain and losses of others.
Thinking about it, I think I want 2009 to be year of personal discovery. After all, I did intend to continue trekking off the beaten path in my travels this year since my short foray into Sumatra, with some buddies already giving the aye to places such as Israel/Palestine, Nepal and even North Korea! Okay, Pyongyang might a little hassle because of the proxy visa application via Beijing and all, but nothing should be too difficult to achieve with determination and a bit of moolahs at disposal (which is currently lacking, heh!)
And maybe 2009 should too be a personal year of courage and love for humanity, where we all should be making a strong stand against hatred and fear.
And that includes atychiphobia, my own personal fear of failure and of being utterly useless.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Ngarai Minda dan Hati-koe
Even though technology is real slow where I am right now, it would be a big life if I were to say I'm not enjoying myself in Sumbar (West Sumatra) right now - even if the culture and demographics are very different from that in Java. The weather's amazingly cool in Bukittinggi, I can see Mount Merapi from my hotel room window, and I've seen quite a few lakes - one of which you can see the reflection of the mountains in it, and see the clouds floating across the lake at your eye level!
Even though I still get sporadic calls from the office, I'm pretty grateful for the kind of pensive peace that I've been blessed with so far in this Land of Gold (yes, I was spared from the earthquake off Bengkulu/Bencoolen and probably thought the aftershocks were just some weird vibrations up my chair).
But when you see the kind of hardship the people go through in this less well off part of Indonesia, you start to think: what would I do if I were the Gubernur or Bupati? How can I help them? Are there any concerted efforts at ensuring a sustainable long-term development?
And suddenly you feel so small, so powerless - you feel the insignificance of your existence and your usefulness to mankind.
Even though I still get sporadic calls from the office, I'm pretty grateful for the kind of pensive peace that I've been blessed with so far in this Land of Gold (yes, I was spared from the earthquake off Bengkulu/Bencoolen and probably thought the aftershocks were just some weird vibrations up my chair).
But when you see the kind of hardship the people go through in this less well off part of Indonesia, you start to think: what would I do if I were the Gubernur or Bupati? How can I help them? Are there any concerted efforts at ensuring a sustainable long-term development?
And suddenly you feel so small, so powerless - you feel the insignificance of your existence and your usefulness to mankind.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Guck Mal
I am beginning to lose patience
With my personal relations.
They are not deep
And they are not cheap.
- From Case Histories by W.H. Auden
I'm losing a great deal of self-esteem fast in this organisation steeped in a rigid hierarchy of ranks where I belong to the category of 'food' for both below and above me. And I think I make a real horrendous friend.
Bah.
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